Zitate aus Dear Scott, Dearest Zelda
Cathy W. BarksJackson R. Bryer
I don't see how you can carry around as much love as I've given you -
Those dear, dear little fusses, when I always tried so hard to make you kiss and forget -
I'd just hate to live a sordid, colorless existence - because you'd soon love me less - and less - and I'd do anything - anything - to keep your heart for my own -
If I did have an honest - or dishonest - desire to kiss just one or two people, I might - but I couldn't ever want to - my mouth is yours. But s'pose I did - Don't you know it'd just be absolutely nothing - Why can't you understand that nothing means anything except your darling self and your love - I wish we'd hurry and I'd be yours so you'd know - Sometimes I almost despair of making you feel sure - so sure that nothing could ever make you doubt like I do -
Everytime I look nice - or do anything I mentally applaud, I always wish for you - just to hear you say you like it -
I won't drink any if you object - Sometimes I get so bored - and sick for you - It helps then - and afterwards, I'm just more bored and sicker for you - and ashamed -
Now that I can't sleep any more I have lots to think about, and since I have gone so far alone I suppose I can go the rest of the way -
You didn't care: so I went on and on - dancing alone, and no matter what happens, I still know in my heart that it is a Godless, dirty game;
You and I have been happy; we haven't been happy just once, we've been happy a thousand times....
Forget the past - what you can of it, and turn about and swim back home to me, to your haven for ever and ever - even though it may seem a dark cave at times and lit with torches of fury; it is the best refuge for you - turn gently in the waters through which you move and sail back.
There is no use my trying to write to you because if I write one thing one day I think another immediately afterwards. I would like to see you. I don't know why I have constantly a presentiment of disaster. It seems to me cruel that you cannot explain to me what is the matter since you will not accept my explanation. As you know, I am a person, or was, of some capability even if on a small scale and if I could once grasp the situation I would be much better able to handle it. Under existing conditions, I simply grovel about in the dark and since I can not concentrate either to read or write there does not seem to be any way to escape. I do not want to lose my mind.
I will try to muster the graces to rest peacefully as I should, but our divergence is too great as you must realize for us to ever be anything except a hash to-gether and since we have never found either help or satisfaction in each other the best thing is to seek it seperately.
You will have all the things you want without me, and I will find something. You will have some nice girl who will not care about the things that I cared about and you will be happier. For us, there is not the slightest use, even if we wanted to try which I assure you I do not - not even faintly. In listing your qualities I can not find even one on which to base any possible relationship except your good looks, and there are a dozen of people with that: [...] - as you know, my memories are mostly lost in sound and smell, so there isn't even that. I'm sorry.
You are a sweet person - the sweetest and dearest of all and I love you as I love my vanished youth - which is as much as a human heart can hold -
You are the only person who's ever done all they had to do, damn well, and had enough left over to be dissatisfied.
This has been the longtest time in my life. I'm glad you are not bored and I am horribly jealous. I will never be so foolish as to think I can get on without you again.
I will be surprised at your mundanity and very amazed that you are concice and powerful and i will be very happy that you are so handsome and when I see how handsome you are my stomach will fall with many unpleasant emotions like a cake with too many raisins and I will want to shut you up in a closet like a dress too beautiful to wear.
I love you dear heart - and it makes me miserable when I've ruined any time that we've shared. So please try to understand - how much I want you to love me - and forgive me again.
Dearest - I suppose I will spend the rest of my life torn between the desire to master life and a feeling that it is, au fond, a contemptuous enemy.
It is a long time since I have had any new symptoms and I am bored with all the old tricks of my shattered organism
I do not know to what depths the human soul can sink in bondage, but after a certain point everything luckily dissolves in humor.
Sometimes I feel like a titan and sometimes like a three-months abortion -
So if you can accept any spiritual bonds with this mass of confusion which I have grown to think of as myself, love me too.
We have always shared everything but it seems to me I no longer have the right to inflict every desire and necessity of mine on you.
I have had enough discouragement, generally, and could scream with that sense of inertia that hovers over my life and everything I do.
As for my friends: first, I have none;
I have felt the necessity to communicate and our intimacies have, to me, been so satisfactory mentally that no other companion has ever seemed necessary.
However, I did not intend to write you a treatise on friendship in which I do not believe.
I am utterly miserable that we should have parted so un-happily.
While I do not know what could possibly relieve the strain on you, I wish I could be of some help. Love and affection is not of much practical use but it may be of a little comfort to you to know it is there.
Your interest, inexhaustible, tolerant and expansive, has always made anywhere a desirable spot.
You have never believed me when I said I was sorry - but I am.
Now that there isn't any more happiness and home is gone and there isn't even any past and no emotions but those that were yours where there could be any comfort - it is a shame that we should have met in harshness and coldness where there was once so much tenderness and so many dreams.
I love you anyway - even if there isn't any me or any love or even any life -
The sense of sadness and of finality in leaving a place is a good emotion; I love that the story can't be changed again and one more place is haunted - old sorrows and a half-forgotten happiness are stored where they can be recaptured.
Everybody wants to learn now-a-days, and are begun to realize that the deepest pleasures are those that increase the horizons.
Therein lies the element of excitement + adventure, of purpose and promise, that is absent from the pleasure of distraction already familiar, i.e., from the school of a casual + mechanicly sensory pleasure upheld.
I am as annoyed at the unreliability of the human body as you are at the vagaries of the nervous system.
[...], for I don't want or expect happiness for myself - only peace enough to keep us all going.
What would I not give for the right to leisure - have you ever known me to have it?
You are a darling sometimes - I can't claim this distinction - but unfortuntely you have given no signs that you can be anything more. And being a darling isn't enough.
We - we consumptives, mistaken people, workers, die-ers, we must live - not at your expence, God knows, but in spite of you. We have our tombstones to chisel - and can't blunt our tools stabbing you back, you ghosts, who can't either clearly remember or cleanly forget.
But everything may be all right tomorrow.
Your life has been a disappointment, as mine has been too. But we haven't gone through this sweat for nothing.
Now please try not to worry me with any problems for a week as I need peace of mind desperately.
There's nothing like your old friends to hold you back.
If you could see and talk for five minutes with the People I deal with you'd understand without words how difficult it is to master a bare politeness.
I suppose life takes a good deal out of you and you never can quite repeat.
It was wonderful to sit with her head on my shoulders for hours and feel as I always have, even now, closer to her than to any other human being.... And I wouldn't mind a bit if in a few years Zelda + I could snuggle up together under a stone in some old graveyard here. That is really a happy thought + not melancholy at all.